Story Time | Rape Culture

Growing up in a Pro Rape Culture

I try to leave things that happened in the past, in the past. But this has been nagging at my mind a lot lately. This blog will obviously be from my point of view.

I don’t know where it all started, I’ve just always, ever since I can remember have been interested in sex. Not necessarily having sex, like a lot of women there are things involved in intimacy with a person that I enjoy more than sex. So, I guess from an educational or intellectual stand point I’ve always been interested in it. I wanted to be a sex education teacher for a long time, little random fact about me.

But when I was growing up, it wasn’t okay to talk about sex, it wasn’t okay to ask questions about it; because sex was bad. (If you grew up in an old-fashioned Mennonite household you can probably relate to that.) Obviously, SEX IS NOT BAD … see link below [watch 6/4/17 sermon {Deer Run Church: Pastor Ike and Maria Unger} I really love this sermon, and everyone should listen to it]

I was introduced to the act of  sex at an inappropriate age. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, because “sex was bad”. It was a weird and uncomfortable situation all together. I should have verbally said no, but I wasn’t education properly in anything sex involved, and so it wasn’t until the deed was done that I could even wrap my mind around what had happened. This is not okay. Taking advantage of someone too naive and young to know what is going on is not consent.
(Note: Even if someone is uneducated, it is not their fault that they were sexually assaulted)

After coming to terms with that fact I lost my virginity I stopped caring; there was no way I was going to get it back, so what I did now no longer matter. Was I ever wrong. My careless behaviour is why I spent my high school years without friends. No one wanted to be a slut’s friend. Girls weren’t supposed to want sex. I know I wasn’t the only person who wasn’t a virgin I was just a lot more public and careless about my sex life than most people.

It wasn’t all consensual… Most wasn’t.

The summer before grade 11 (I was 15 at the time) I was sex exploited for the first time by a person I trusted. [link to Canada Department of Justice – Age of Consent to Sexual Activity]
There were people that took advantage of me before, but no one had ever, and to this day, has ever, messed me up that way this man did. He was 22 or 23. Already this relationship was illegal because he was 7/8 years older than me (and he was in a position of authority over me). This man committed a crime he will never be convicted for. I try every day to forgive him, and move on. It is unbelievably difficult. I can always hear him telling me how inspirational I was, how that fact that I looked up to him, meant so much to him. How life wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. And then he would pull the vehicle over and do what he wanted. He would still be wearing his Church league baseball uniform and to this day my body freezes with anxiety when I hear a belt buckle being undone.

I told a few people about what had happened and word got around that some crazy, manipulative, seductive whore was seducing; let’s just call him X. His friend had been told by someone I trusted about our “relationship” and the friend got in contact with me personally and asked to meet. I agreed because I was 15 and the person asking to meet was in a position of authority (like X); also I was scared to death. He asked me to apologise to X. Can you believe it? Me, a 15-year-old girl had to apologise to a 23-YEAR-OLD MAN because I manipulated him into sexual relations with me. What a joke. But I was told for far too long that I was a slut and so obviously this must have been my fault. It must have been because I was a female and he was a respected man. I apologised too, because I didn’t have a backbone and was told growing up to respect authority.

When Jake and I got engaged X’s wife added me on Facebook for a few minutes, I don’t know why. She has since blocked me and I have no way of contacting her, not that I would ever want to. They were probably just curious how I managed to snag a guy like Jake; what with me being a hoe and all, and Jake and X having been friends before Jake and I started dating.

It’s disgusting that people get away with being messed up creeps because they’re in authoritative positions.

This is my ever going struggle it feels like. To move past this, even almost 7 years later. Many people don’t believe my side of the story and that’s okay. Like I said we live in a pro rape culture.

I don’t know how to close this mostly because I’m shaking so much and feel like I’m going to throw up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was very hesitant to post this. I didn’t want anyone thinking this was supposed to be a sob story and now I thought all my bullies would come and apologise because they had been wrong about me and bla bla bla. That’s not it. The bullies have moved on and so have I.

I was worried people would piece together who X was and think badly of him, or even of me; thinking I was throwing him under the bus. I talked to Jake about this feeling and he was completely dumbfounded. He explained to me that if someone had stolen my car; after finding out who it was wouldn’t I want to make the public aware. This man committed a crime, it’s not my obligation to keep his reputation intact, or my position to to throw his name out there. This is my side of the story, and I’m sure he has his own about how he asked a 15-year-old girl about the colour of her undergarments and that’s fine. It’s not my business to argue my point to him or to individuals who side with him. Heck this isn’t even about taking sides.

This is to show that the world has a long way to come, and that we are not providing a safe place for young people who have experienced traumatic events to be open about them and seek help. The victims are still being blamed. So, for as long as the world continues to think in this way, those of us who have been victims and are now survivors need to continue to come out and tell our stories.

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