Superiority Complex

Superiority Complex [noun]
An attitude of superiority that conceals actual feelings of inferiority and failure.

If you have a superiority complex, you believe that you are better, cleverer, or more important than other people.

Synonyms and related words
Feeling morally superior, claim, claim the moral high ground (idiom), holier-than-though, judgmental, moralistic {[adjective] Overfond of making moral judgements about others’ behavior; too ready to moralize.}, preachy, priggish {[adjective] Self-righteously moralistic and superior}, sanctimonious {[adjective derogatory] Making a show of being morally superior to other people.}, self-righteous, superior.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/superiority-complex

I’ve only realized this about myself in the past year or so. I’m sure others who know me may testify that it was blatantly obvious and how could I have missed it. Ignorance is bliss; thank you Thomas Gray for that bit of knowledge. I’m one hundred percent sure it stems from being bullied in school. I’ve always been a loud person, my voice carries. From the kitchen in my parent’s house; I can, without much effort call out to anyone in the house, in any room; and no matter what they’re doing, they’ll hear me.

I was in grade nine I think, I was at the back of the classroom and a group of kids I went to elementary school with were a few feet in front of me. In grade nine most students are still attached to the kids they went to elementary school with. The kids were having a conversation that I was loosely a part of, one of the kids must have said something funny and I laughed. I love to laugh and have on multiple accounts been told to stop because someone else didn’t think what I thought was funny; was funny, even if I was laughing at myself. The girl sitting in front of me dramatically rolled her eyes at me and said something to the affect of, “oh my god can’t you shut up?” under her breath. It’s very disheartening to be told to shut up, or stop laughing when your laughter is not at anyone else’s expense and you’re truly enjoying a moment.

Later in my high school career I was in a culinary class, I don’t remember what the class was called. There were a handful of boys that had some issue with me. We were all immature then and I’m sure that had something to do with it. Part of our course was that we were supposed to serve a meal at the Roma club (I think); this was supposed to be done after school hours. The teacher put us into groups and gave us a date. I was paired with said boys. Not great, but I wasn’t there to make friends. I have always been very punctual and consistent with going to school. I didn’t skip out too many classes and I was almost always on time. The boys in the class had told the teacher I would probably not show up to the after school serving function. I only know this because once I walked into the door, on time. She came up to me and had said that Tom Dick and Larry has said I wasn’t going to show up, and she asked me why they might have said that. I looked into her eyes, smiled, and said; “Maybe you should ask them.” That was the end of that conversation and my respect for this teacher.

Growing up “friends” joked that they would sell me to prostitution. Not a joke, I should have stopped hanging out with them right away. I did stop, shortly before I turned 17. I remember I smoked my last joint that weekend and never went back. It’s hard to come back from a young adolescence like that. Instead of facing the issue head on, I’ve decided to bury it and put on a mask, “Yes Wendy, we all wear masks, metaphorically speaking.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PanQ3g7j5E This feeling of being inferior never goes away. I’m sure if I worked on it more it might. And not that I sit there in a brooding pile mumbling to myself how much better or worse I am in comparison to someone else.

A large area in my life where I notice this complex is when dining out. If I go out for dinner somewhere other than fast food I have to have a reservation. I cannot just show up and hope they have a place for me. I need to know once I’ve called in there will be a table ready and waiting for me, so I won’t have to wait. This is a super big deal to me. Also, I am so big into staging, but I think we all are. When Jake and I have someone over the house has to be unusually clean and I have an OCD about being a host that goes above and beyond, because I’m the best host and you will like hanging out with me if there is anything I can do about it damnit. See, super healthy.

Another thing I do that my poor sister has seen what has been the worst side of it; is push my ideology on people. I feel like I could do their lives better than they can. What with all my street smarts and inevitable skill to push everyone out of my life. She and I are so entirely different and it’s infuriating to both of us I think. I have learned to but out of her business, at least I hope so. The virtue of biting my tongue and pressing my lips closed has finally graced my life.

Oh! But here is the absolute worst and most disgusting thing I do. As stated above I have an inevitable skill to push people out of my life. So, here’s my tactic. Make them fail. I already assume you’ll fail, that you’re inferior and inadequate (really this is one hundred percent a reflection of how I feel about myself and in most cases, is not an actual definition of who you are.) Then I bait; I force your hand to do something you wouldn’t normally do or say. Now I have evidence that I was right about you all along and that I don’t need friends and it’s because I’m better then everyone else. I can consciously say this is so wrong! And I do not want to feel that way. I love socializing and playing cards or board game with people and hanging out. Time of my life. I just can’t shake the feeling that people will know I’m a fake and see the loser that I see when I look at my past that I still identify with. This gives me an incredible amount of anxiety and stress. I only realized this about myself while reading Anna Faris’ new book Unqualified. So far I love the book. But I came across a page and was dumbfounded to find, oh my goodness. This. Is. Me. I do this. How unfortunate.

So that’s where I’m at with that.

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